I write this as a journey of consciousness. The whole thing might seem to be very strange to you. I guess you can just read it for fun.
I had thought that I might have overwhelming emotions when the horizon of China appeared before me, just like the last time I went back 7 years ago. But to my surprise, this time I didn’t feel very emotional as the airplane arrived at China.
For quite a few days during my stay in China, I felt like a stranger in my own country. It was quite like how I felt when I first came to US 9 years ago. I had the same task as when I first came to US: to melt into the local culture.
However, the difference is that although I had problem expressing myself in Chinese, I didn’t have much problem understanding what people were saying. I guess that made the whole difference. As I was listening to people’s stories, my feelings came back to me gradually and became stronger and stronger. My heart got stirred up and I started to have responses to things happening in China.
I went back to the city I went for college. Walking on the campus, I felt like in a dream. How many times while I was in US during my nap times I dreamed that I went back to China, to that city? It was so hard to believe that I was finally back. Walking on the campus, a whole layer of memory was dug out. Finally I felt the memory was connected. It was like that my memory was stored in that city. Only by going back to that city, could I have access to those memories.
Gradually my emotions grew and I felt strongly to be part of the country again. Then it was the time to be apart. It already became difficult to say goodbye again.
It was only a one-month trip. Many times, I was still uncertain whether I was expressing myself right in Chinese. Another goal of my trip is to try to get the creativity back. But it doesn’t seem one month is long enough to get the creativity back. I already knew this before I went back. So this trip is a half assed trip.
After I came back to US, for a couple of weeks, I felt something very unsettled in my heart. I had to take a walk in the park, and try to pinpoint what it was. It was a realization that my life in China is a very important part of my past. I cannot write it off. Too many people, too many things of my past in it. With that memory back, I feel more like a complete person. Similarly I cannot write off my life in US as well.
