This is more about things after the trip to China.
While I was in China, many times I have to multitask. It is not real multitask since at every moment I am still just doing one thing. But there are just many things coming at you almost the same time. My father just gave me the pictures in the past years to look at. In 2 seconds, my Mom wanted to talk to me about something. Then in 2 seconds, my father handed me an old device to fix. While in US, for most of the time, I work just by myself. It is quite different when you are living in your own culture.
At the time of my departure, although my Chinese was still not totally recovered, I realized that that state of mind I have then in China will take me forever to achieve in the states (given that I have no free control of my time in US).
When turning my back and walking away from my parents at the airport, my heart sank and I knew I was again walking towards a long period of extreme solitude.
As I was totally despaired with China, I was determined to take all the pains in US and overcome the difficulties. I was prepared to sacrifice my life. Even though I won’t have a life in US, I am hoping that I can contribute my knowledge and work with other people to build up the Open Source Learning and Grassroots Web here.
While I was in China, I realized that speaking Chinese didn’t interfere very much with my English any more. My English is already in the process of forming a layer and binding my consciousness together. Before my trip, I had stopped speaking any Chinese for about half a year and got used to thinking everything in English. I was glad that this newly formed layer of language and consciousness is becoming stronger. While in the states, after getting familiar with words in the daily life, I started expanding my vocabulary into the domains of math, physics, biology, chemistry and so on, and this helped bringing back a lot of old knowledge and consciousness a long time ago.
As my consciousness is growing here in the states, I know I need to have a higher level of social interaction in order to hold all my consciousness together. So there is a need for me to upgrade my activities.
Thus I decided to cut off my social contacts for the time being, as I need to focus on finishing my Open Source Learning software. I feel finally it is time for me to engage in doing OSL activities directly and interact with society on a higher level.
At the same time, because I found out what I have lost in China, I felt I need to make up for my loved ones. So I need to keep in touch with them. I also start to write a blog in Chinese for them, hoping this would be an effective way of communication with them.
All these prove to be too much for me. I tried to expand the space too big and now it collapsed.
I was supposed to keep solidifying the layer of English based consciousness. However, I was trying to bring the two worlds (English and Chinese) consciousness together. It proved to be too much for me. I remember that just building up the layer of English based consciousness was enough to consume all of my energy.
At the same time, I also felt reluctant to plunge into that extreme solitude again and cut off my Chinese connection totally. In the past 9 years, every time I gathered all my energy and tried to overcome English in a few months, I only ended up been defeated a few months later. I kept trying this over and over again all these years, gathering all my energy to fight only to be defeated and frustrated again a few months later. I am afraid I am developing a severe bipolar disorder because of this. It is said that the definition of insanity is that you keep trying the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. I guess I am quite insane. So knowing that I won’t have enough time to take on this task, I am reluctant to dive into it again.
The restraints that US government puts on foreigners just make it way too difficult for me.
As I was trying to focus on writing the software for the past few months, it was also very difficult for me now.
When I first came to this country, because of a lot of love I had from my home country, it is enough for me to go into a long time of solitude without problem. But as time goes by, this reservoir is getting exhausted. It is becoming extremely difficult for me to lock myself up and work on a project for a long time. About 5 years after I came to US, this reservoir is almost emptied. My creativity is all dried up. Now I find it extremely difficult to work on a project a little longer. After cutting off my social contacts and trying to focus on the project, I realize that my reality in US is that I have to survive and have a life first. If I don’t have a life here, I cannot do anything.
Coming to US, I put myself in the position of slave in order to work on osl and gw here. 9 years later, I am reaching my limit. I cannot make any progress here anymore.
I don’t mind living poor or taking pains. I am willing to do all kinds of work in order to learn English and to know American society. But the restraints that are put on foreigners make me lose free control of my time. If I have a choice, I would rather not to work so I can fully focus on what I need to do now. If I have free control of time, I only need two years to overcome English and culture (now at most one year). But without free control of my time, it is taking forever.
Maybe it is peers that you need? You cannot be the only Chinese person in American struggling with this. So may Chinese and Americans are traveling back and forth and they are a third nationality, like the desis from India.
There must be some other Chinese here that you can eat with, complain with, and LAUGH with. Coming to America and working like a dog is terrible, but also there must be some lightness there – nothing is always only dark.
Many of your American friends are extremely grateful that you give so much of yourself freely, and open our eyes to what we don’t see about the America right in front of us. We are grateful, but of course we are not Chinese and cannot share that with you. And friends in China cannot share English and America with you. But more and more people are in your position.
I hope you find a friend or many friends among others who come from China to America and are brave enough to open themselves up and open up the channels of communication. We need more channels, and we all need each other.
Thanks, Ellen.
Actually it is quite difficult for Chinese to come back and forth between China and America. It is very difficult for Chinese to come to America at the first place. If it is easy, I won’t have waited for 7 years to go back China for a visit. Many oversea Chinese, although living very miserably in America, choose to stay here. For my first two years in America, during which I stayed closely with oversea Chinese community, I had seen and heard too many sad stories.
Although I enjoyed many other freedoms in America, I hate losing the freedom of time. There are too many things that I want to do.
I am not complaining. Actually I can only be grateful for what I already have. I don’t complain things unless it leads to a positive future. So I am complaining to raise Americans’ awareness of foreigners’ conditions living in this country, to repute the stupidity of the policy of enforcing the border control and building up a fence on the southern border, which was started in the previous administration and finished by the current administration.
Since I am about to leave this country and it might be difficult for me to come to US again, I think at least I should let you know the reasons for my departure, by which I hope people can change their closed-mindedness in their thinking of these issues.
I am grateful for the friendship and love I have received here from you folks. Everyone of you has taught me a lot.
Frankly, I think if America opens up its border, all America’s problems will be solved. If Thomas Paine had to work at a fixed engineering job for many years in order to stay in America, there would be no American revolution. In Chinese Tang Dynasty, Chinese emperor was having a foreigner as his Prime Minister. If ancient Chinese government came up with the same kind of restriction that American government put on foreigners, there would be no Bodhidharma coming to China.
Yes! I am all for open borders. And free exchange of views!
All our very best wishes to you for every good thing, personally, professionally, intellectually, and socially. And any other adverb you can throw in there
plus much gratitude for all you’ve opened our eyes to see.
Imagine if I don’t have English problems, or I am not bound by having to work and can have enough time to learn English, what I could have contributed to this country.
Maybe one thousand times more. Maybe one billions times more.
Thanks for the compliments.
I know I am making slow progress and gradually I am able to do something in this country. I am glad to see that happening. However, I feel it is too slow, and I have obligation that I have to fulfill back in my country. For example, my parents.
L,
I like your blog! This is a painful entry to read, but I appreciate your willingness to be open, and like learning about you. I can relate to many things you say about choosing “a life” versus immersion in work.
And now I understand why you’re heading back home.
-Kate
P.S. This is my blog:
http://www.maloneki.wordpress.com
Stop by if you like!
Thanks, Kate. I used to think that it is possible to do the work without having a life. It proved t o be wrong. Sometimes people get so inspired that they lock themselves up for a long time so they can focus on finishing some intensive work or art. The love that have inspired them is enough to sustain them for a long time so they can survive without much human contact for a long period of time. However, the long period of solitude is draining that energy or that love away, and it becomes not healthy if that state of solitude stays too long.