Once during my last retreat, my teacher wanted us to raise our consciousness. He first described in quite details the love between male and female as a way of symbolization of plus and minus. And he further talked a little about the western culture and the oriental culture.
Recently I felt I was quite intimate with my past life experience. I felt my past life experience was always with me and can be brought back in an instant quite quickly. So I normally don’t spend too much time trying to recall my memory in China. But since my teacher told me to do so. I decided to give it a shot.
So in my meditation, I tried to remember the love I had gone through while in China. It was a long time ago. I tried to recall why I loved her so much. Just little by little, I started to remember many details that made me loving her. All those reasons that I loved her are again strongly tied to our culture and the society we grew up in. So naturally I suddenly remembered China, my life and fights in China. All my strong feelings that were lost after I came to US were again sneaking into my heart little by little. And I became overwhelmed by those strong feelings. My body started shaking. I wanted to cry out very loud. But I tried very hard to control myself. I remembered the summer breeze through the trees with sunshine shining through and insects making noises. I remembered my friends. I remembered the struggles that people in my culture had been through generation after generation. I remembered everything. Losing her while I was in the states never felt very painful, since I was already stripped away all my feelings (kind of dead) (see the note below). But then at the the sitting meditation, I felt the unbearable pain. I knew clearly what I had lost. “Life is colorful!” I will never forget this sentence. She is the only girl who was able to play/touch the chords of my heart. My life became totally different because of her. Without meeting her, I would probably never know what is true love. After the sitting, I need to go to see my teacher. My teacher saw me, and was amazed. My consciousness in China was like a very high mountain rich with many beautiful sceneries.
Another day, I was to raise my consciousness by recalling all the experiences I had been through in America. So I did that in my sitting meditation. I remembered all the struggles and fights I had in US. Losing my language and my culture, I had to fight with the raw force of life here in the states. The struggles and fights are very grand, maybe more grand than I had in China. But the resulting consciousness so far is still just a small hill, compared to the high mountain of consciousness I had in China. This is my struggle. Although I tried very hard here, the degree of interaction with people and culture here still cannot be compared with what I have in China.
If I have to blame someone for this, I blame this stupid foreign visa policy that basically take away my free control of my time so that I cannot do what I deem more important to me. I don’t mind living poorly or be starving. I cherish my time. But living in US, I don’t have basic control of my time. People supporting strengthering the border have no knowledge, no vision, and no courage. They don’t know what America has lost because of this border. And I am not just talking about highly skilled workers and entrepreneur minded people. I am also talking about those immigrants who cook your meals and wash your toilets. America lost the chance to be a much better country and to make the world a more peaceful place. It is just the same short sight as Chinese government’s justification on crowd control. They just don’t know what they have lost. They are people with no knowledge, no vision, and no courage. If people don’t have free control of their time, doesn’t that turn them into slaves? I am still fighting hard to gain the control of my time. There are some tasks that I should have accomplished during my first one or two years in the states. But I dragged through all these years and still haven’t got them accomplished.
As my teacher said, if you have a high consciousness, it is much easier for you to practice. So having a life is important. Whatever you are doing in your life, do it with your best efforts. Life experience is important. The experience, according to Buddhism, is experience of plus and minus activities and thus our original source, which is pitch darkness. These experiences, are experiences of love, experience of being born and dying from moment to moment. So find the art of your life, and play it fully.
Note: Since emotions and feelings are reaction to space, coming to a totally new space makes the previous emotions and feelings losing base. Those feelings will eventually go away. Without rich interaction with the new space, the individual will just lose all feelings gradually. It is hard for people who don’t have this kind of experience to understand the psychological impact it has on an individual. So those Spanish-speaking people are lucky to find out that there is a very large group of Spanish-speaking people in this country after they failed to learn English. I tried hard to learn English and western culture. But the degree of interaction I can have with this space is still much lower than what I had in the Chinese culture. However, I am getting better each day. And it is getting much better these days.